ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
