Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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