Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
