do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
