I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
