Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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