Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
