o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
