there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
