she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
