p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
