Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
