weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
