naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
