Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
