I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
