I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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