It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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