Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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