she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
