I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
