i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
