I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Every concussion has its silver lining
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
