sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
