I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
