i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
