I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
