saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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