So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Is it because I queefed?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
