So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
