I accidentally had phone sex last night
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
