I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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