I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
