note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
