He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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