I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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