I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
