I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
