I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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