I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
