Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
