I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
40s are totally the cure
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
