He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
