How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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