Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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