I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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