I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
