Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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