really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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