if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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