Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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