why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
