I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
