Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
