i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
