I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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