I will die if light touches me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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