I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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